Confronting Truth!!

You may feel it a bit weird about how and why I'm confronting truth now. But it all happened spontaneously today, and forms the major part of my blog. The whole blog would not make much sense my own opinion about myself before and after this incident is not reported.

To begin with, I'll start about my pre-image about myself. This is to brief what was my state of mind those days.

Ambitions were always a part of me. It was what guided my path. It consequently resulted in a transformation in me — the making of a techie, multidisciplinary personality out of a shy reserved guy (that's how I described the process to myself). "Work, Work, & Work" — the W'ed path to success, at first seemed achievable. The more I delved deep, the more fascinating it seemed. It brought inside me a lot of changes at the same time. My attitude change, my point of view changed. I felt gifted with absolute dynamicism, success and virtue. Failures seemed mere. It's not that failures were not there — I always took it the other way. I was so self-centered that I never saw MY mistakes, MY shortcomings in those failures. I always swept past those blaming others for the accidents. That's how I satisfied my pursuit for success — either knowingly or unknowingly, I don't know. There is no free lunch, nothing comes free of cost! My virtual success came at a price of mechanized life, loss of emotions, and a thrust of materialism.

Nothing remains forever - morphosis is the law of nature. I can foresee the changes, but rather stuck with my existing approach because I feared that the new situation may be hostile, and there were much possibility that it will be so. Talking straightly, I was unable to confront truth. But all of a sudden, I don't know what, forced me to interface with what is TRUTH. Below is some of my monologues, which I hope may explain how I'm feeling now:

What did MY success brought to me? Perhaps not more than added working hours, getting introduced to more people in the business, opening a few windows for future, what else? Now, I realize my loss, which I feel much more than what I achieved. Now, I feel that I had ceased being normal at all. May be I'm exaggerating due to this incident, but it's what going inside me now. The success I boasted to have achieve seemed no more than just mirage which misguided. I lied to myself every time to hide my own fault. Now I realize my incompetitiveness & my own short-comings. I'm losing confidence over myself. Dilemma is a close companion. At time, I think my previous attitude was better — at least it led to self-satisfaction, that's all needed. At the other hand, I feel secure out of my virtual luxury cocoon. Self-centric approach is good, but not better. Now I can see clearly with the dust around my eyes wiped up, but I can see the ditches along the path too. I don't know which path I'm going to choose.

I feel lost with all of these in my mind. So again I try to stuck with work so that I could keep myself busy, even though I'm unable to use much of my brain cycle. Lack of concentration and memorizing failures bug my studies. I try, but in vain, except for some computer related subjects. I don't know how I'm going to do in studies, but still I will keep trying to do better. Pessimism was never with me, and will never be! Being unaware where this transformation in me will be taking me to, I ask myself — Are changes good? Will I recover from these? If the answer is "yes", I again question myself — "What if reality fakes?"

Well, that's the junk in my head now. I don't know if that's all what is going inside, because I'm unable to express all. May be it'll disappoint you, but that's what I am — Never up to expectations! Even if you're disappointed, please don't leave this blog without a comment.